The Baby Years:
1. If you have a boy – you will watch the position of his winky like a hawk when changing his nappy!
2. Your first cup of hot tea or coffee will be when you return to work from mat leave!
3. You focus heavily on when they will roll, crawl, toddle and walk and then wish they didn’t!
4. If you breastfeed – your multitasking improves by being able to feed the baby, eat a bowl of soup and chat on the phone.
5. If you express milk, then any spillage of said milk is THE END OF THE WORLD!
6.Cotton wool and water is a great idea, but expect to manage about a week on that before switching to baby wipes… no make that a day!
7.Real nappies another great idea… but will you really maintain that for 2 years?
8. Google becomes your best friend, whats that rash? How to wean, how to toilet train etc…
9. Leaving the house takes around 3 hours and you have half the house in your bag… just in case.
10. You do not need 50% of the stuff for the baby before the baby comes, but you will buy it!
11. Keeping the gender a suprise? Dont buy too many neutral clothes, as soon as you know what your having, you will never use them!
12. You wont be able to wear black for at least 3 years, unless the stained black top look is your thang?
13. You think labour is scary?! Wait for your first poo post birth!
14.If its your first baby, your home will be like Picadilly circus, packed with visitors, if it is your second or more, then it will be like the gobi desert
15. Making a decision on the room temperature is the hardest thing ever… too hot, too cold, vest, no vest…
16. As soon as you check their nappy due to a suspected poo and change it because its wet, they will poo in the brand new nappy!
17. Advice becomes the currency of mother and baby groups – I would say dont take it and do whats best for you and your baby, but you wont, you will ponder it all and worry.
The Toddler & Preschool Years:
1. Showering in private will become like a scene from Mission Impossible. Just face it, your going to have company for a few years, or hopping in and out wet and cold to deal with whatever drama is unfolding!
2. Apparently chicken is not the same unless its in a nugget!
3. Sudden amnesia about their day, is instantly solved at bedtime when you put them to bed… THIS is when they decide to tell all!
4. Everyday is an emotional rollercoaster and your new found skills mean your destined for a THE top job as a UN negotiator.
5. You no longer listen to your music in the car, instead its nursery ryhmes, even when they are not with you!
6. You learn that they are masters of the plank… always deployed when they do NOT want to sit in the car seat or pram.
7. Be prepared for World War 3 if you do not cut their toast into the right shape.
8.They WILL need a poo as soon as the family sits down for dinner.
9. Even though you know you should not compare your child with others… you do.
10. Finger painting will always become face painting.
11. You will grow to hate people who put bubbles and whistles in party bags!
12. For small people their poo’s rival yours. And yes you have looked!
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